To be Incompatible with Conflcit

This is my thought for the month, "To be incompatible with conflict" adapted from the quote below.

Just so you know a little bit about me I've been a practising mediator in Sydney since 2000. I've earnt my stripes in the field by mediating 1,000 + disputes and I estimate my settlement rate to be approximately 85%.

This month I've been preparing for a workshop that I'm going to deliver in May to a group of family dispute resolution practitioners. I was asked to cover some of the different approaches to mediation. Something different from the usual problem solving approach... When I think about it, the reality is my mediaton practice, whenever possible draws on various techniques and methods that I have learnt along the way...but I've never really named them so I started researching different approaches to mediation such as transformative and narrative mediation.

I loved the goal of narrative mediation as stated by Winslade and Monk in their book Narrative Mediation and from which I adapted my thought for the month. The narrative approach to mediation they say concentrates on "developing a relationship that is incompatible with conflict". What a fantasic notion. Developing a relationship that is incompatible with conflict....I love the idea of being incompatible with conflict...in reality though, I believe that we need to be combatible with conflict...we need conflict to develop as human beings, spritual beings. We know conflict is a great motivator...and the important thing is not that we develop relationships that are incompatible with conflict but that we learn to use conflict for personal development.

Today mediation is an important conflict resolution tool but no matter which approach is used, it is not the most powerful or empowering tool for managing conflict. The most powerful tools are those that require you to work mostly on yourself to resolve conflict.

For example take the The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz,(Be Impeccable with your Word, Don't take anything Personally, Don't make Assumptions and Always do your Best). The agreements are something you practice on your own regardless of what anyone else is doing. It is very difficult to practice these agreements and maintain a state of conflict with anyone.

Another example is a technique that I learnt years ago, it involved asking a trusted friend to listen to a "blaming" story of mine...not to say anything but to keep on listening, whilst I told the story over and over until I could no longer tell the story...if you haven't tried it...give it a go...see if it is possible for you to "hang on" to your old story, to your blaming, resentment or limiting belief.


Michelle